November, 2009

Pessimism — No Comments
11
Nov 09

Those "perfect afternoon" blogs.

You people, with your stupid little blogs filled with pictures of your stupid “perfect afternoons.” You can suck it.

You know who you are.

You’re the people who go to the state fair and take pictures of funnel cakes. The folks who go apple picking and laugh and laugh and take pictures of everything, pictures that are “just so.” It’s infuriating. You’re the people who somehow manage to make and do everything by hand, despite having seventy jillion children under the age of nine — all while cataloguing it and sharing it with your adoring fans online.

You, with your perfect autumn light. You, with your sunny dispo-fucking-sition. You — you most of all — with your simple, glorious recipes and seemingly endless free time.

I hate all of you.

Oh, I’m going to keep reading, of course. But I’m still going to hate you, all the same.

Madness — No Comments
10
Nov 09

TMI Tuesday?

Okay, internet. My secret fantasy is actually real, and now I’m completely disappointed. I had been fantasizing about a Twitter trend that couldn’t possibly exist: #TMITuesday. Like #MusicMonday and #FollowFriday, it could perk up the workday and allow great swathes of people to participate with their favorite faceless swarm of cyber-citizens in a new way: A massive tasteless oversharing with strangers. (Like that’s new — hah!)

But a quick Twitter search revealed that it does in fact exist (thought it doesn’t trend very high), is mostly about farting, and isn’t as amusing as I had hoped.

Here are a few examples I never had the guts to tweet:

  • My vagina is weeping…weeping tears of blood. #TMITuesday (And only 58 characters, not bad — easily retweeted.)
  • I dreamt I pooped a 12 foot turd the other night, but I don’t think I’ve ever topped 18 inches IRL. #TMITuesday (Bam. Just like that I’m as funny as Sarah Silverman. Which is not that hard, but still…)
  • I don’t know how I will pay for holiday gifts this year and I’m thinking about suicide. This is a cry for help, and also for cash. #TMITueday (See, they don’t all have to be scatological.)

I am so very, very disappointed. Please consider this post a cry for help, and also for cash. Just joking. But not really. Fuck, internet. You get worse every day.

Madness — No Comments
6
Nov 09

"Something more than mockery."

This morning I woke up to “Disintegration” by The Cure. When I got dressed, I donned my former teenage uniform: A black t-shirt with a denim skirt and black sneakers. And then I proceeded to put on some crazy eyeliner and bright red, Robert Smith colored lipstick (unsmeared).

Also, I’m pretty sure that I’m going to go home and watch some “Twin Peaks.”

So apparently it’s 1990 today. What the hell? Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?