July, 2008

Everyday Life / Madness — No Comments
30
Jul 08

A post in which all of life’s pressing questions are answered with aplomb.

I know only too well that the internet is a series of tubes, but the thing I love most about this series of tubes is how often it surprises me with the kind of information that my entire life had been lacking — only I hadn’t known it.

Take for instance, this answer:
7 – 12 slices.

It is the answer to this question, but it might as well be the eternal why. I never asked that question before, but it seems to be the only question I would ever need to ask.

This is all we need to know. Our lives are now complete.

Clothes / Everyday Life — No Comments
23
Jul 08

How many is too many?

Dear manufacturers of my pants,

Why did you put three buttons and a zipper on these things? I mean, I get one button and a zipper, sure — but three? Okay, it’s probably some sort of subconscious anti-feminist statement about needing to corral my fat from the world, but…it still seems kind of excessive.

I know that I should be grateful that I was able to find semi-fashionable ready-made pants in my size, as historically this has not always been true. But you put way too many buttons on this pair, and the buttonholes are too tight, and, as my old friend Jane Austen might have said, “quite vexatious.”

I understand that not every fashionable fatty is as fond of iced tea as I am, and it was consumption of iced tea that brought these overabundant buttons to my immediate attention, but surely I am not the only one fond of having a beverage with my lunch.

Disaster was averted this time, I can say with relief (no pun intended), but that might not always be the case. Please, manufacturer of my pants, reduce the number of closures on your pants in the future — or at least measure the buttonholes more carefully — to ensure that emergency release of the garment is not so difficult.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Sarah L. Crowder

P.S.
I think you are Lane Bryant, but I will have to check the label.

Everyday Life — No Comments
3
Jul 08

Beet (Early Blood Turnip).

Though I once wrote a chapbook entitled “The turnip made me do it,” I just haven’t talked enough about turnips (or beets) lately.

Is it true that beets were once called “blood turnips”? Because that is Totally Awesome. I imagine a clean cut family sitting down to dinner, and a teenage son dressed all in black (and wearing too much eyeliner) , saying very politely to his little sister, “Can you please pass the BLOOOOOOOOOD TUUUUUUURRRRRNIIIIPS?”

(I guess I should mention that he was a teenage version of Nathan Explosion in my mind.)

I haven’t actually had any blood turnips this year, I am very sorry to say. They aren’t expressly forbidden at our table (unlike artichokes, avocados, asparagus, and olives — which Lennox reviles, sadly), but they are “frowned upon,” and only eaten by me. And really, if I’m going to go to the trouble of pickling some blood turnips, I don’t want to be the only one enjoying them.

MMMMMmmmm. Beets! (Or, ah, blood turnips.)

[Note: I looked it up and the "Early Blood Turnip-rooted beet" is one of the oldest varieties of beet, dating back to 1820 or so. Huh. Learn something new every day...]